He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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