i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
