Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
