sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
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