I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
