Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
