What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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