nut hugger
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
