she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
