I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
