I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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