i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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