fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
