apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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