That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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