Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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