oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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