His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
