Non-Jews are for practice
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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