why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
