I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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