he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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