Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
