My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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