I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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