just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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