i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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