My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
