Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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