I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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