Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
