She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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