Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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