Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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