just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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