Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Randomize
