You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
