We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
