i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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