WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
