Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
