I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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