i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Houston, we have a squirter
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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