She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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