Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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