Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize