Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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