so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
