Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
