I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
