my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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