apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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