Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
She has the best kind of daddy issues
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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