sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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