Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
