Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
