Someone shit on the floor
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
