I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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