Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
